I Never…

As I was hiding in the pantry last night, eating some of my children’s Halloween candy (yes, already), I thought back to all of the things that I said I would NEVER do when I became a parent.  Oh, before those sweet, cuddly newborns come along and change everything, we can afford to be idealistic, can’t we?  I had so many things I swore back then that I would never do… that I’ve already done, not even a decade into life as a parent.  In no particular order, here are just a few of them…

– I will never eat my children’s Halloween candy.  (I can’t say no to candy corn.)

– I will never hide in the pantry/closet/bathroom to eat something that I don’t intend to share.  (Mommy NEEDS the whole freakin’ brownie sometimes!)

– I will never say, “Because I said so.”  (I say it ALL the time.)

– I will never answer with “we’ll see” when the answer is actually “no.”  (It’s just easier sometimes.  Really.)

– I will never let my daughters become obsessed with princesses.  (Ha!  I’m actually an enabler now.)

– I will never allow my kids to eat just kid-friendly food and nothing else.  (Ana prefers all food in nugget form.)

– I will never wipe a child’s nose with my shirt.  (I’ve done this and worse, y’all.  Don’t ask.)

– I will never sing songs about bodily functions and bathroom habits.  (Emma still sings, “No more diapers, no more diapers, no more diapers, Emma is POTTY TRAAAAAAIIIINED!”  For real.)

– I will never buy my small children expensive electronics.  (Until they steal mine.  Then, a seven year old with a Kindle doesn’t seem so outrageous.)

– I will never look at a trip by myself to the grocery store as “me” time.  (It doesn’t even have to be that glamorous.  Being able to use the bathroom by myself is just as fulfilling.)

– I will never allow my child to throw a fit in public.  (It’s been a long while, but those fits of yesteryear in the Duncan, Oklahoma Wal Mart were the stuff of legends.)

– I will never let my kids watch more than thirty minutes of television a day.  (And yet somehow I can sing, word-for-word, every song that the Fresh Beat Band has ever performed.  How did that happen?  Hmm…)

– I will never bribe my kids to behave.  (Brownies always get results.)

– I will never expect my kids to be perfect pastor’s children.  (Direct quote from Emma a few weeks ago?  “We’re at church now.  I gotta act like a lady and not a hollerin’ monkey!”  Surely Jesus is honored through her honesty, right?)

– I will never be so vain as to actually think that my children are the most beautiful, intelligent, and amazing children in all the world.  (Little did I know that they so totally WOULD be.  Oh, I kid.  Kinda.)

– I will never keep a box full of messy artwork and misspelled love notes, all addressed to Mommy.  (The box is overflowing.)

– I will never “lose” myself when I become a mother.  (I so totally lost who I was… and am so glad with where I find myself now.)

How about you?  What were you NEVER going to do?

2 thoughts on “I Never…

  1. Marlene Witter says:

    Hey Jen. This was really funny. I had a real good laugh!!! We had some good friends who once said so wisely: “Before we had (4) children we had 4 theories how to raise them, now we have 4 children and no theories on how to raise them” … and their 4 kids were as different from each other as night and day … as are our 3!!! 🙂


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